He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So here I am, sexting at work.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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