she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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