Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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