I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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