Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
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I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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