New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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