woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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