if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
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IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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