I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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