I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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