So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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