i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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