I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
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i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
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If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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