she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
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Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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