It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
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Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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