the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Welp...herpes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We need to get me chipped asap
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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