I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize