Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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