i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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