Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
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I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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