Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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