I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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