I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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