He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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