I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
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i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize