seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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