Im at strip club and am horny
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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