This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
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my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize