I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
please don't ironically join a cult
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