i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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