Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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