im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
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You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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