we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize