its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
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If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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