I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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