He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
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Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You are the jesus of drinking
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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