Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
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I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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