I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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