i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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