The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
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Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
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No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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