I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
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These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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