Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
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Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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