I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
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Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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