how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
