She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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