Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
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I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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