So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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