Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize