you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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