I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
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Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You are a genius and a whore.
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