ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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